Renowned licensed psychologist, media-savvy Dr. Dale Atkins author of The Turquoise Butterfly, which includes themes of nurturing multi-generational relationships, to ease anxiety and build a bonding legacy, by Grandparents and Grandchildren participating and engaging together in multi-generational memories.
The book also focuses on a diffcult but realistic topic, how to handle death and grief with children. The book is a mechanism to use in opening-up a typically challenging, emotional, uncomfortable and sometimes even confusing topic: when a family members dies.
How can families talk about grief with children? The Turquoise Butterfly author Dr. Dale Atkins shares:
The most important thing to offer a child is our steady presence, comfort, and honesty.
- Death is not disappearance. It is a transformation.
- The relationship with the person who died continues in a new way.
- A person dies but love never dies.
- We accept a tender responsibility when we talk to children about death and we need to meet them where they are and go at their pace without overwhelming them.
Kids often have questions that are not simple, but we want to use developmentally appropriate, simple, concrete language when we engage with them. Rather than focusing on the “perfect explanation” or “right words”, we want to be clear.
As they grow, they will continue to process the death over time. Talking about death is not one or two conversations. It becomes a reference point over time.
Death is often overwhelming, confusing, and mystifying.
Dale prefers adults avoid euphemisms that can confuse and sometimes, frighten children.
Most children interpret things literally so when we say “we lost grandpa” or “grandma went to sleep” it can be puzzling. Straightforward, compassionate words are often enough.
Leave space for kids to process what is said and ask questions if they have them (and because they do not ask does not mean they do not have them). Some examples can be: “When somebody dies, their body stops working. They stop breathing and they do not think or feel anything anymore.” “We won’t see them anymore. We will miss them and not having them to hug and laugh with makes us sad.” We will remember them and the things we did, the places we went, and we will talk about them to keep their memory with us.”
Children will repeat what they heard from an adult as a way to process what happened. They need reassurance and they need to know they have permission to feel whatever they feel (sad, angry, afraid, numb). Some kids will cry and others won’t. Let them know that whatever they feel is okay and that everyone grieves differently.
For some kids, writing, playing music, planting a garden, creating a craft, a memory book, or organizing photos of the person, is part of their grief process and offering them opportunities to do these things can be helpful.
Dr. Dale Atkins, author of The Turquoise Butterfly, has some 40 years of experience as a relationship expert focusing on families, wellness, managing stress and living a balanced, meaningful life.